Umm I'm too high to move.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
