No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
