I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
