I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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