New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
