I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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