I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
