Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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