happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
50% drunk capacity currently
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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