I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
