Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
where are you?
Hypothermia
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
