I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
