Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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