Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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