I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
