She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
