I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
