My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
