It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
