my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
