How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
