maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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