You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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