CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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