I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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