I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
