You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am midnight drunk by noon
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
