woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
