The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
