You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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