Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
