She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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