sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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