i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if only i could text you this smell
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize