I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
