On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
