seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
