Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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