After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's get the cat blown out
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
