I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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