So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
