the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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