i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
