Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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