Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
