A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
