i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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