is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
