Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
