You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
