I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
a search helicopter?!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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