Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
