Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize