I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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