***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
