My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
